They say the strength of a tree begins in the roots
But where does that leave me
Though I stay strong, though my spirit still dilutes
Overcoming every obstacle, but still stuck at sea
When do I say enough though?
When is it too much when do I break?
If hindsight is 20/20 then life is my foe
Something out of nothing I must make
As I brandish my sword and gallop into battle
Forcing life into submission like ending it with stakes
Back through to the heart of matters
As I stand here before you reciting
Speaking in cascading waves that wash over your minds
I hope that you imitate me for this is so very exciting
This is no song, this is no book, this is no sign
This is my life in a dumb-proof version
So sit and listen as I tell you the story of a guy
Who spread love through mental dispersion
There are no limits, there are no bounds, just let go and fly
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Holding on...
There was no more air in his lungs; oxygen had escaped him, his diaphragm quivering in defeat as he flipped his phone closed. For the last time she had broken his heart. She whom he would walk over fire and swim any ocean for. Yet it would just never be enough for her. How can he be lost when he’s got nowhere to go? Thoughts flooded with anguish and agony, left alone disgraced and discarded by those who he loved. Once again he is stuck pondering, stuck thinking about what could have been. Will this perilous struggle of the heart continue to defeat him or would he ever overcome?
Tears sprung to his eyes as the truth of what she said just sank in. She was gone, probably forever. What should he do? Run and try to get her back like in the movies, or sit on the stoop and sob for his loss and mourn his partner. There would be nothing left for him, she lived with him, she smiled with him, she laughed with him, and now there was nothing left but the scent of her on his pillows and her nail polish from the night before resting seemingly serenely on the coffee table in the living room. The lavender walls they painted together when they first moved in together. She chose the color for the living room and bedroom and he got the rest. Of course he chose the same for the rest of the walls. He was happy, eternally trapped in a paradigm of bliss and he didn’t care. The colors of the walls were meaningless then and now they are a haunting reminder of this unexpected turn of events.
Was his love not enough for her? What kind of person could probably be more attentive or take better care of his angel. Who could possibly dedicate their lives to someone more so then he already had been doing. The past 3 years were the best of his life and everyday was better. Just waking up to her smiling face in the morning and kissing her goodnight before bed. There was something so fantastic, so unbelievable about the little things that he took for granted. If only now he wished he could hold her once more and kiss her and let her know how much he cares. What would he do, die alone? Hardly.
Instead of waiting for his life to become a romance story, he would make a romance story into his life. All he knew was that he loved this girl and that she held the key to his eternal happiness. His keys and his wallet are the only thing decides her he needed for this excursion. As he sprints out the door hands seem to grab him and restrain him.
“Secure him he’s having another episode. It appears to be the same one as usual. Very well grab the lithium, he’ll need more.” The trainees grabbed and slipped him into a straight jacket. The door closes behind the group, the sign over the door simply stating, “Psyche Ward”.
Tears sprung to his eyes as the truth of what she said just sank in. She was gone, probably forever. What should he do? Run and try to get her back like in the movies, or sit on the stoop and sob for his loss and mourn his partner. There would be nothing left for him, she lived with him, she smiled with him, she laughed with him, and now there was nothing left but the scent of her on his pillows and her nail polish from the night before resting seemingly serenely on the coffee table in the living room. The lavender walls they painted together when they first moved in together. She chose the color for the living room and bedroom and he got the rest. Of course he chose the same for the rest of the walls. He was happy, eternally trapped in a paradigm of bliss and he didn’t care. The colors of the walls were meaningless then and now they are a haunting reminder of this unexpected turn of events.
Was his love not enough for her? What kind of person could probably be more attentive or take better care of his angel. Who could possibly dedicate their lives to someone more so then he already had been doing. The past 3 years were the best of his life and everyday was better. Just waking up to her smiling face in the morning and kissing her goodnight before bed. There was something so fantastic, so unbelievable about the little things that he took for granted. If only now he wished he could hold her once more and kiss her and let her know how much he cares. What would he do, die alone? Hardly.
Instead of waiting for his life to become a romance story, he would make a romance story into his life. All he knew was that he loved this girl and that she held the key to his eternal happiness. His keys and his wallet are the only thing decides her he needed for this excursion. As he sprints out the door hands seem to grab him and restrain him.
“Secure him he’s having another episode. It appears to be the same one as usual. Very well grab the lithium, he’ll need more.” The trainees grabbed and slipped him into a straight jacket. The door closes behind the group, the sign over the door simply stating, “Psyche Ward”.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Relentless
My goal is simple my goal is clear,
Never hesitate, never doubt, pull the trigger,
Vanquish my enemies with grace and poise as they appear,
Tis only when doing things like helping people does it make me sicker
Attack, defend, dissipate, become a ghost
Strike at them with cold hatred and fury
Remove the parasites from the earth they use as a host
Their lives mean nothing, their breath is a waste
Strike them down with eternal horrible vengeance without pause
They line up for you and beg for mercy, KILL THEM ALL! Make haste
Only when they are all left lifeless do you realize that they were abiding by your laws
So where does that leave you, a murderer, a brigand, an outcast, A CRIMINAL!
So once again left to become a ghost and disappear
Make them all suffer, claim your vengeance, keep the survivors MINIMAL!
Bathe in their blood and laugh in triumph as they appear
Rip off their heads and slice through their spirit like a knife
Never stop enjoying yourself as you claim one life after another
Cause them pain cause them suffering cause them strife
Destroy them all father, son, daughter, and mother
Leave no tell tell heart behind to sing against you
Instead serve them their recompence and let them go
As you lay and rest your head, their blood spraying off your lips
When all else is lost always remember
My goal is simple my goal is clear,
Never hesitate, never doubt, pull the trigger,
Vanquish my enemies with grace and poise as they appear
Never hesitate, never doubt, pull the trigger,
Vanquish my enemies with grace and poise as they appear,
Tis only when doing things like helping people does it make me sicker
Attack, defend, dissipate, become a ghost
Strike at them with cold hatred and fury
Remove the parasites from the earth they use as a host
Their lives mean nothing, their breath is a waste
Strike them down with eternal horrible vengeance without pause
They line up for you and beg for mercy, KILL THEM ALL! Make haste
Only when they are all left lifeless do you realize that they were abiding by your laws
So where does that leave you, a murderer, a brigand, an outcast, A CRIMINAL!
So once again left to become a ghost and disappear
Make them all suffer, claim your vengeance, keep the survivors MINIMAL!
Bathe in their blood and laugh in triumph as they appear
Rip off their heads and slice through their spirit like a knife
Never stop enjoying yourself as you claim one life after another
Cause them pain cause them suffering cause them strife
Destroy them all father, son, daughter, and mother
Leave no tell tell heart behind to sing against you
Instead serve them their recompence and let them go
As you lay and rest your head, their blood spraying off your lips
When all else is lost always remember
My goal is simple my goal is clear,
Never hesitate, never doubt, pull the trigger,
Vanquish my enemies with grace and poise as they appear
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The most loneliest day of my life
There is an emptiness in my heart that I can't quite explain
No matter how hard I try, It always stays the same
I follow my routine day in and day out staying busy
The self-righteous fiddlings of my daily routine make me dizzy
Who am I? What am I? DO I question my existence or wait for another lonely day?
Who are you? What are you? Why do I pine for you so when if I found you I wont know what to say?
Forever lost in this sea of emptiness, locked inside my head I wait and see
I wait and ponder and strive and think about what I am to be
I will just sit and bide my time and hold back all the strife
On the most loneliest day of my life....
No matter how hard I try, It always stays the same
I follow my routine day in and day out staying busy
The self-righteous fiddlings of my daily routine make me dizzy
Who am I? What am I? DO I question my existence or wait for another lonely day?
Who are you? What are you? Why do I pine for you so when if I found you I wont know what to say?
Forever lost in this sea of emptiness, locked inside my head I wait and see
I wait and ponder and strive and think about what I am to be
I will just sit and bide my time and hold back all the strife
On the most loneliest day of my life....
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Enough
At what point in time do we all decide to say its enough and quit? SO many times since I have been in Arizona have I came just a hair's breadth from quitting and giving up on life in general. Yet no matter how hard things become I keep going. I do not know why I do, nor do I care. I cannot, absolutely cannot give up.
Quitting is something that everyone does atleast once in their lives. I have however grown tired of this defeatist attitude. I have problems just like everyone else. However, I do not believe its how we deal with our problems that define us as people. I believe its how you pick yourself up after you have already dealt with your problems. Falling is always the easiest thing you'll ever do, getting back up again becomes the problem.
It is easy to fix problems as they arise, but how many of us actually try and actively prevent the same thing happening again. Ideally its always a learning experience, but not everyone learns from their mistakes and that is the entire purpose of this post. The things we do everyday, our actions, our thoughts everything is part of who we are.
So to all of you I say this. When will you decide that your tired of losing, tired of crying, tired of failing, when will you all decide that you've had enough?
Quitting is something that everyone does atleast once in their lives. I have however grown tired of this defeatist attitude. I have problems just like everyone else. However, I do not believe its how we deal with our problems that define us as people. I believe its how you pick yourself up after you have already dealt with your problems. Falling is always the easiest thing you'll ever do, getting back up again becomes the problem.
It is easy to fix problems as they arise, but how many of us actually try and actively prevent the same thing happening again. Ideally its always a learning experience, but not everyone learns from their mistakes and that is the entire purpose of this post. The things we do everyday, our actions, our thoughts everything is part of who we are.
So to all of you I say this. When will you decide that your tired of losing, tired of crying, tired of failing, when will you all decide that you've had enough?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Schizophrenic Conversations
Conversations in the mirror
Words and faces never queerer
An army of one
Never limited yet never done
Inside the darkness I argue and fight, and gnash and bite
Stuck forever with this manifold blight
Alone in the dark I sit and wait
Never early nor ever late
The voices call and berate
Filling me with anger and hate
Wishing for silence, wishing for peace
Fighting myself gritting my teeth
Hands shake, cant stop, feeling bad
Its going to happen. Again, it’s sad
How do I fight that which I can’t see
No bullet can hurt an invisible enemy
Nothing left to do but take more medicine
It is my burden my gift and my sin
Inside my closet, fetal position
Schizophrenic conversations, searching for redemption
Come with me inside my mind
Ill take you on a journey of a lifetime
When its over you’ll understand
In my mind im not the only man
Relieving the pressure with words when alone
I am allowed to sit and calm them, atone
Here I am once again in the dark
Praying my words to you made their mark
Believe in me, hope for me
Some of the strong started weak
My weakness is in my mind
Growing, bending, running chills up my spine
This mental rollercoaster will never end it seems
The only thing left to do is follow my dreams
One day I will conquer all and be the victor
Even if every day I grow even sicker.
Words and faces never queerer
An army of one
Never limited yet never done
Inside the darkness I argue and fight, and gnash and bite
Stuck forever with this manifold blight
Alone in the dark I sit and wait
Never early nor ever late
The voices call and berate
Filling me with anger and hate
Wishing for silence, wishing for peace
Fighting myself gritting my teeth
Hands shake, cant stop, feeling bad
Its going to happen. Again, it’s sad
How do I fight that which I can’t see
No bullet can hurt an invisible enemy
Nothing left to do but take more medicine
It is my burden my gift and my sin
Inside my closet, fetal position
Schizophrenic conversations, searching for redemption
Come with me inside my mind
Ill take you on a journey of a lifetime
When its over you’ll understand
In my mind im not the only man
Relieving the pressure with words when alone
I am allowed to sit and calm them, atone
Here I am once again in the dark
Praying my words to you made their mark
Believe in me, hope for me
Some of the strong started weak
My weakness is in my mind
Growing, bending, running chills up my spine
This mental rollercoaster will never end it seems
The only thing left to do is follow my dreams
One day I will conquer all and be the victor
Even if every day I grow even sicker.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Pain
What is pain? According to the encyclopedia, pain is "an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage". Now, when you think of pain what do you think of? Some of you are going to say pain is anything that hurts, others will say pain is what you feel when you break an arm, or cut your finger in the kitchen, and of course you would all be right. But, just this once think about it differently.
Pain is the one thing that reassures we are human beings. If we felt nothing we would never learn. How could we learn as a child that something was hot if we did not touch it and we felt the pain of correctiveness. Do not be fooled pain is not limited to "actual or potential tissue damage", everyone knows the sting of heart ache.
Even if its as a child and our best friend moves away, or our dog dies, the pain is real and its just as tangible as the flame. Such a pain however does not heal as a physical wound would, instead an emotional pain can hurt much more and take way longer to heal, such wounds leave everlasting scars. This is how I know that pain proves us as human beings. Your probably thinking that animals have emotions and stuff too. I have to disagree. Animals can feel on a physical level because of their nerves in their bodies, but an animal who does not have a soul how can they feel pain the same way as humans or even on the same level?
This is is why pain as in death should be embraced, because pain will remind us who we are and why we felt that pain. Pain is naught but a learning tool, used to apply its corrective banter on us without speaking a single word.
Pain is the one thing that reassures we are human beings. If we felt nothing we would never learn. How could we learn as a child that something was hot if we did not touch it and we felt the pain of correctiveness. Do not be fooled pain is not limited to "actual or potential tissue damage", everyone knows the sting of heart ache.
Even if its as a child and our best friend moves away, or our dog dies, the pain is real and its just as tangible as the flame. Such a pain however does not heal as a physical wound would, instead an emotional pain can hurt much more and take way longer to heal, such wounds leave everlasting scars. This is how I know that pain proves us as human beings. Your probably thinking that animals have emotions and stuff too. I have to disagree. Animals can feel on a physical level because of their nerves in their bodies, but an animal who does not have a soul how can they feel pain the same way as humans or even on the same level?
This is is why pain as in death should be embraced, because pain will remind us who we are and why we felt that pain. Pain is naught but a learning tool, used to apply its corrective banter on us without speaking a single word.
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